Who the heck is Edward Cullen?
by Angelica Winterglow
Summary: Who the heck is Edward Cullen? And why is Hermione suddenly drooling like a 13 year old girl? Cute, funny, strange little oneshot!


**Happy New Year 2013!**

**So here is my second story, a bit stupid but I just couldn't stop laughing when I got the idea. Well, I hope you like it.**

Disclaimer: Sadly Draco is not mine nor is Edward, though sometimes I pretend I am Hermione. Well none of them are, just this twisted idea is mine.

**Who the heck is Edward Cullen?**

Draco was mad. Saying that he was boiling with anger would be an understatement. He was livid. He wanted to break something. He wanted to kill someone, actually, a specific someone, a someone named Edward Cullen. He didn't know who this Edward Cullen was or where he lived, but Draco was going to find him and tear his limbs apart. He was going to hex him to the next century and back. He was going to beat him to pulp. He was-he was…AARRGHHH. Edward Cullen was going to wish that he were never born. Who did he think he was? Some sparkling godlike creature? Huh!

Now, you must be wondering, what did Edward Cullen do to Draco to make him so mad? Doesn't he know that Edward Cullen is just a fictional character? Apparently not.

Well, let's go back a few minutes in time to see why Draco is behaving like a Hippogriff on fire.

A few minutes before:

Draco had just returned from work. He was walking to the bedroom when he overheard his girlfriend, Hermione, talking to Ginny, her best friend and Potthead's wife.

"Edward Cullen is so hot!" said Hermione. Draco's earsperked up. Who is Edward Cullen? Draco thought. Draco decided whoever Edward Cullen was, he didn't like him.

"He is an ideal man." continued Hermione " He is so charming and sweet."

Ideal man? Thought Draco , hot, charming and sweet? Who the hell was this man? Wasn't Draco always nice? Wasn't he ideal?

"He is a real gentleman" sighed Hermione. And what was Draco? A _fake_ gentleman? All right, he did speak rudely sometimes and he is a bit whiny, but he is a gentleman!

But why was Hermione suddenly drooling like a 13-year-old girl? Had this Edward Cullen guy given Hermione a love potion?

And this is the reason why, my dear readers, Draco is mad.

Coming back to the present, Draco was sitting on his chair, behind his desk, in his office.

"Claire! Come here!" he cried to his secretary.

"Yes sir!" Claire ran into his office.

"Send Clarsen to my office." ordered Draco.

"Yes sir!" He is in a foul mood, thought Claire.

He was going to kill this Edward Cullen for feeding a love potion to his girlfriend, thought Draco. Or even better sue him and then kill him.

Draco turned towards the knock on his door.

"You called for me, sir?" asked Clarsen, Draco's lawyer.

Of course I did, you oaf, thought Draco.

"Yes Clarsen, I did. I need you to find out everything you can about 'Edward Cullen'."

"Right away, sir"

"Excuse me, sir" Claire knocked on the door "Miss Granger is here to see you."

"Huh! Send her in" said Draco, and plastered a fake smile on his face.

Hermione Granger walked into his office.

"Hello love." She said and kissed him on his cheek.

How dare she call him love when she was in love with someone else!

Was she going to break up with him for Edward Cullen? Thought Draco suddenly and started panicking

Maybe he should have asked his potioneer to start working on the antidote for the love potion.

"Hello, _sweetheart_" he greeted her, with emphasis on sweetheart.

"So what were you up to?" asked Draco while he waited for Clarsen to bring the information and hide the panic growing inside him.

"Oh I was just-" Hermione started to reply but she was interrupted by Clarsen who poked his head in through the door and said "Sir, I have the information you asked for."

"Oh, Hermione excuse me" said Draco "This is important. Why don't you wait here and have a drink, I'll be back in a minute."

"Sure." replied Hermione.

He walked out of his office and shut the door.

"Okay, what have you got for me?" he asked Clarsen.

"Sir, Edward Cullen lives in Forks, a small town of Washington, in the States."

"In the States?" said Draco "Then he must be here temporarily. Go on."

"He lives with his wife, Bella, and daughter, Renesmee." said Clarsen.

"He is married?" Draco asked in surprise "So he is cheating on his wife!"

"And, they also say that he is a 'part of the Twilight series'" said Clarsen "so I think he must be a muggle cinema actor."

"Hmm, prepare the papers to sue him Clarsen. " said Draco " You may go."

Draco walked back into his office where Hermione was waiting for him.

"So, what were you saying before we were interrupted?" asked Draco, struggling to keep his anger in control.

"Well, you asked what I was doing" said Hermione " And I was going to say that I was reading a book."

Now Draco lost it.

"With Edward Cullen?" he asked sarcastically.

"Yes!" cried Hermione, surprised, " How did you know?"

"Yes?" Draco asked confusedly. Was his girlfriend admitting that she was cheating on him?

"Yes." said Hermione " Have you already read Twilight?" she asked.

"Eh? What? No! What are you talking about?" cried Draco

"Draco tell me if you have read the books, there is nothing to be ashamed about, even if they are for 13 year old girls." said Hermione

"Hermione! Edward Cullen is already married! And he has a daughter!"

He had to make her see; she needed to get out of the control of the love potion!

"I know." said Hermione

"You know?" Draco shouted with surprise.

"Draco? Are you feeling all right?" asked Hermione with concern "Of course I know he is married and not to mention he is a perfect husband."

"A perfect husband?" said Draco and stood up pushing his chair in anger, "He is cheating on his wife and you think he is a perfect husband!"

"What do you mean by he is cheating on his wife?" asked Hermione slightly irritated and confused by her boyfriend's behaviour. "He is not cheating on Bella!"

"Of course he is! Are you crazy? You can't close your eyes to his faults just because he is handsome and famous!"

"What?" cried Hermione "What are you talking about?"

"About the fact that you are in love with Edward Cullen!" Draco cried back "Why do you spend so much time with him? I think he has given you a love potion."

"Love potion? What? Draco!" spluttered Hermione "I am just reading a book!"

Clarsen chose that precise moment to barge in and shout "Sir! I got your papers ready to sue Edward Cullen!"

"Sue Edward Cullen?" asked Hermione and then she burst into a fit of giggles.

"What?" asked Draco Why was she laughing? Shouldn't she be angry?

"Draco you thought I was going out with Edward Cullen?" Hermione asked, trying to stop the giggles.

"Well, you are spending a lot of time with him" murmured Draco "And you think he is hot and charming."

Hermione laughed again.

"What's so funny?" asked Draco, now really annoyed.

"Draco, Edward Cullen is a fictional character in a book series called Twilight!"

"Oh."

"Oh indeed." Said Hermione "Though it's cute how you still get jealous sometimes."

"Jealous? Me? Nah." Said Draco. So Edward Cullen was not real. That's better; he didn't like other guys around Hermione. Doesn't mean he was jealous! He was going to fire Clarsen for making him look so stupid.

Hermione came to him and hugged him around his waist and rested her head on his chest.

"You will always be the only one I love" she said.

"And you will always be the one I love" he replied with a sigh.

Two days later:

Draco entered his home hoping to have lunch with Hermione, and then he spotted the she-Weasel's coat, meaning she and Hermione were sitting and chatting and they probably will for a couple of hours.

So he put his coat back on and went to the fire place, and it was then that he overheard Hermione saying:

"Tom Cruise is so hot!"

Anger burning inside him, Draco wondered aloud "Now who the heck is Tom Croose?"

_The End!_

**So did you like it? I love Draco in it, he's so cute! So review? Tell me if you liked it, tell if me even if you didn't, and point out any mistakes you find or even better yet tell me if you would like to beta read it.**

**I am also writing another Dramione multi chapter fic, so if you are interested in beta reading it please tell me.**

**10 Jan 2013 : Thanks a lot to everyone who reviewed! I am so happy! :D**


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